Posts tagged "Personal"

 I might not be able to memorize your phone number by heart, like you do mine. I might not be able to do a million things like you. But, that’s the beauty of it. I want to love you in my own way, just how you do the same.

College.

  Let me break this down, I was going to go to College with the mentality that for me to live the lifestyle I wanted to, I was probably going to have to get a career I didn’t want. Everyone and their mothers tells me to “do what you love.” You know what I love? Video games and anime. Which isn’t something I don’t talk about, but that’s another blog post.
  Now, if I were to get into what they were really about(video games and anime), the core of it, I would lose all love for it and it’d become just so boring. I love the stories, I love the emotions, I love the plots, I love it all. But, I don’t want to make them. I’d get bored of them. Someone once told me, if you truly love something, you’ll never get bored of it because you’ll learn something new everyday. I agree with that, but I think that can only apply to another human being.
  When it comes down to a career for my future, I want to live a comfortable, lavish(if I dare say) lifestyle and going into college, I wouldn’t mind choosing a career path that I possibly didn’t like.

  Let me put it this way. Everyone wants you to make big money, but they also want you to love what you’re doing. They want that perfect reality where you really love kissing your boss’s ass every morning. Look, we live in a reality where it’s not like that. Where you have to sacrifice certain things for the lifestyle that you want to live.
  Personally, I was ready to make that sacrifice. But when everyone forced their opinions and thoughts on me, I over thought the whole process and now I’m a few steps behind. If you feel like you’re in the same boat with me, just do you. I’m going to go back to my mentality, I’m going to finish school. I’m going to make the money I want to live the lifestyle I want. Regardless if my career has to suffer.

  It’s my life, right? So why should I let the thoughts of others impose on my dreams.

I’m wrong.

  This is what I do. I say I’m wrong, I admit my actions, then I don’t do anything about it. I keep doing wrong. I continue to live in a wrong way. I don’t do anything to fix myself. I know exactly what I have to do to live the right way. I know exactly what I have to do to get out of this rut, I’m just fooling myself. What am I waiting for, seriously?
  I’m waiting for some divine intervention in my life, to make things right. When HE gave me the will and the authority to make things right in my life. Yet, I don’t use that authority. He gave me the courage to make things right, yet I don’t use that courage. Instead I just hide in a meek corner, waiting for HIM to make things right again.
  I know I should let him be my pilot, not my co-pilot. I know I should let him take the reigns from me, and lead the way. But, I took that to an extreme. I’m wrong, because I don’t do anything. I don’t get up and do, I sit down and wait for him. When he’s telling me get down on knee and come talk to me before you start your days. When he’s telling me, come to me, and I’ll lead your way.
  I don’t talk to him, I don’t ask him how his day went or how he’s doing. I just keep waiting in a meek little corner, by myself.

  Romans, that’s meant for me. I’m going to read it, because you told me to read it. I’m going to obey. I have words and authority. You had someone physically tell me today to get off my lazy butt and do something. I thank YOU for that person in my life, because he’s going to do great things in you.

 Time to stop being wrong, start trying to do something right.

If I do how you do.

  Will I then be accepted? If I act how you act, walk how you walk, talk like you talk. Will I then be normal? Whenever someone tends to describe myself or my personality, normal isn’t part of that description. We are all quirky in our own ways. I believe that, the people who are part of the “in-crowd,” we think they’re normal.
 We tend to forget that people are human. No one is above anyone else when it comes down to that.

  I tried to act how you act, walk how you walk, talk like you talk. But that ended up getting me no where. I need to start walking, talking, and acting like myself. I am me, in Him.

I Had a Dream About You

 You called me. You sang me a song. We talked. It was something I couldn’t believe, even in my dream. I was quiet. I was speechless and remembering it now,
I still am. I’m not sure what to say or how to react to this. Which is funny because I know I won’t react.
  I’ll just take this as a part of my memory and move along. What else can I do?

Regretful

  4 years of school gone by, I didn’t do a thing. I didn’t participate in sports, I didn’t try out for plays, I didn’t join a team, I didn’t do anything. I have no one to blame but myself. Ever since we moved, my motivation for doing things that required me to stay after school, depleted.
 Why, you might ask me.. Simple. My parents. My lifestyle didn’t allow me to do certain things. My lifestyle never allowed me to do such things. I remember the first time I ever asked my parents to do something that required me to stay after school.
 

 It was the 6th grade and I was a part of our school’s chorus. We were suppose to meet behind of Smokey Bone’s in Waterford, it was our Christmas Concert. We had to be there. We rehearsed and rehearsed. I told my dad about it, he simply just said, “Who’s going to take you? I’m not.” That killed every motivation I ever had about doing anything that involved me trying to stay after school.
 It set in my mind, that no matter what I wanted to do, I’d have to try and get myself home. Ah, public transportation, you say? Even though I am of legal age, that doesn’t stop my parents from pulling the reigns. They don’t want me to go places by myself. Much less, use public transportation alone.

  It’s my Senior year of High School. I look through the yearbook and I see the things people have done. I envy. Just recently we had a musical take place at our school. I wish I had tried.

  School’s over and I just regret not having tried to do anything at all. I wish I had met more people and made more friends, rather than just kept to myself.
 C’est la vie, non?

It really messes with someone.

  Emotionally and mentally. It really messes with people. Betrayal. I’ve been put into that situation many, many times. I really look like I have no flaws, like everything’s fine whenever I’m with my friends. If you ask me who I’m close with though.. I stay quiet and I can’t answer. No one really knows me or my life, and somehow, it’s better off that way.
  I am there for my friends. I am there to listen to them because I know what it’s like to feel like you have no one there to listen to you. I will sacrifice what I think is a little, so that a friend of mine may feel better. I’ll stay by your side if you need me to. Then, you’ll take your leave, like they all do. But that’s okay.
 
  It’s better off if people don’t know what has happened in my past. It’s better off if they don’t know how many times I was bullied for the way I looked or dressed. It’s better off if people don’t know how many times I was betrayed by the same person who I called my best friend. It’s better off if people don’t know these things because they can’t sympathize with me. Very few people have to ever go through what I did.
  I went through GM&GI, MS&PS, and the last one finally ended it for me. These were the people that I trusted and counted on to be there. These people ended up trampling over me, some literally. They took my kindness for granted. They asked for things from me and I always gave…

  I know what it’s like to be in the position of your best friend taking you for granted. Your best friend threatening to hurt you if you don’t act a certain way. The position of your best friend not acting like your best friend at all. That’s why I am here for those who are ever in that position.

  It really messes with someone when the person you thought you could count on gives you the cold shoulder.

I am my Mother’s daughter?

  My parents, when it comes to praise and worship, they are the ones in the back. They are, the ones who invoke, silently and wait for someone else. That’s how I see it. That’s not how I want to be. I am my Mother’s daughter, but am I suppose to praise like my mother?
  I see someone else, and they are just like their mother in praise and in worship. I want to be the one who freely worships and freely praises. Maybe not the loudest, maybe not the nicest sounding, but that’s what I want to do. I want to do it freely. Comfortably. But, I feel like I can’t do that with my parents lurking around.
  “You’re doing it so well!” I feel like they’d say. “We’re so proud of you!” I don’t want to hear that. I don’t want to hear how well I’m doing to praise or worship. I don’t want to hear how bad I’m doing or how awkward I look. I just want to praise and worship without commentary from the peanut gallery. But why do I feel like that’s what I’m going to get?
  My parents are not like me. I am my Mother’s daughter, but I don’t have to praise like her. Do I? I don’t have to be lax, do I? I don’t want to be. I want to be loud, I want to be free, I want to be open, about that when I do it. I don’t want to hold back. I shouldn’t care if people are watching. I shouldn’t care about what they say. That’s the only thing that’s holding me back.

  I am my Mother’s daughter, but I don’t have to praise like my Mother. I have to praise like me and stop caring about what others think or have to say. That is what I need to do.

People come and go.

  I’ve learned that, I know that. I’ve accepted that. With that being said, it will not stop me to love and trust in others. I have hope for humanity. I don’t want my heart to be cold. I want to love and trust others, even if they may not love and trust me. I want to be there for those who feel alone, because I’ve been there.
  I have this understanding of people, even when I haven’t been there. I won’t sympathize with you, I won’t look down at you. I will give you the time of day. I will be the person you need to listen.

  And then, you shall take your leave. As quickly as you came, you shall quickly go. My heart, it will hurt, but it will be restored in His name, I will get up. I will love and trust, once again.

Hope, Faith, Love and Him.

  All I have left. Hope, my faith, his love, and Him. Slowly, I’m trying to get back to the place where I belong. The place where I know I’m secure. The place where I am truly myself. I haven’t felt much like myself in a while. Like I’ve said before, it feels like I’m on auto pilot.
  Slowly, I’m regaining consciousness and control. I’m not doing this alone. Before I can love another, I’ve got to learn to love myself again. I’m not quite there yet. I’m not in a place where everything is okay. The little things that I have, mean everything to me. I wouldn’t give them up for the world.

  Slowly but surely. Everything is a waiting game. Patience, little one.

That’s the Song.

  The one that called out to me. The one who’s words kept playing, and playing, and every word touched me and spoke to me. That’s the song you called me to.

  A few days ago, I had a horrid nightmare. The kind you wish you never had. You don’t wake up crying, but you wake up in state where you feel like you need to get out of there, fast, and find human contact. I woke up, in a daze, quickly got up out of bed, into the living room. I got up so fast, I forgot my glasses and my eyes were trying to adjust the difference in light.
  The dream really was something that I can not explain. It was something that, at first, it may seem incredibly silly. I may laugh about it, but it put a fear into me that I couldn’t explain. It seemed so real, the lack of control on my own body. Being held down and unable to yell out.

  This is the song that’s liberating. That’s the song you gave me.

Idealistic.

  After you left my life, I’ve become nothing less than picky when it comes to even the notion of being with someone. They’re too this, they’re too that. Even if I end up finding someone, who by my standards is nothing short of what I’d like, they’re unavailable.
  Actually, you never really left. I just pushed you away, farther and farther away. It’s scary, the thought I could be yours if you only let go of your fears. The other day, walking home from school, I saw a man waiting outside of a house in his car. In his hand, his phone. He looked like he wanted to go up to the door and knock. Eventually, he got out, got up to the front door, but couldn’t bring himself to knock on the door.
  I thought of you and that brought tears to my eyes. I thought of that night that you told me you were outside, but when I went to go see, you had left. You proceeded to tell me that you’d be insane to send that text being outside.

  After I pushed you away, it’s become harder and harder to see anyone more than friend. I enjoy this person’s company, I like what this person has to offer, but I don’t think I can be in a relationship. You cross my mind often, and it doesn’t bring pain. I just think of the painful moments because I can no longer rejoice in the happiness it brought me.
  Now, I have this distorted view of what it is to fall in love with someone. It’s like I’m looking for perfection, but I can’t find it in humanity.

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